Friday, November 8, 2013


Sadness is...

- I wake up cold and restless on a couch, when I finally got adjusted to sleeping in your warm bed.
- Making myself cry thinking about having made you cry.
- I have to ask for a ride and walk everywhere, when you used to have me soaring.
- Still going to the gym to workout and never feeling weaker.
- Starting to look forward to work for the distraction, when you used to be my distraction from work.
- You show up in my worst nightmares instead of my sweetest dreams.
- Owning up to my mistakes and realizing how wrong and fearful I have been all along, for nothing.
- Upset that you never did anything, but love me.
- Nervous I will never eat a cookie again without thinking of my favorite one.
- I find out twice a week I didn't win the lottery, when I had hit the jackpot a long time ago.
- Crying knowing I have no one to blame, but myself.
- Knowing I need to act, when I keep thinking that I'll scare you away forever.

Heal us Jesus. I'm not afraid to work for it. For you. For me.

Thursday, November 7, 2013


Please pray for me.

I've been through hell. I'm sucking down decaf coffee in Republic of Pie so I don't end up staying up all night. I haven't been able to sleep in a week. In the last 3 days my roommate assaulted me and we called the cops on each other, I totaled my car, and it's likely being crushed tomorrow, and I lost the greatest love of my life. To top it off I was so dazed thinking about all this as I walked to the gym, that I was almost hit by several cars wandering into rush hour traffic. A week ago I was the happiest I've ever been, only freaking out about flying to Brazil and e-baying toys. My home, my car, my heart, and almost my life were all taken from me, and It's only Thursday. Saturday I fight for my home, which now I kind of want to leave now and start over, all things considered. I honestly can't remember feeling this horrible in my whole life. And most of it was brought on by me (not the cops though... I defended myself). I don't know why I did this to myself. I know I will be happy again. I've been praying, and things will change, but you know, for better or worse, you get exactly what you deserve. I have some saved up good karma I really need to cash in. Fernando is the best friend of best friends. Nick asked me to stay close and Fernando hasn't left my side. To be able to see blessings in all this chaos is a miracle. I truly believe Nick's bent, not broken. His heart is much too big and much too powerful. I just miss is my cookie so much, Jesus. :( I will work hard and be patient and God will sort it out. My whole life has turned upside down.

Thanksgiving is a blessing, but I really need a Christmas miracle. Help me, Jesus. Please.